i’m not sure how this started on the ‘net, but i find these hilarious..

EDIT: found more. i’m cracking up here…

  • When the Boogeyman goes to
    sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  • When Chuck Norris plays Red Rover, he walks over to the other line,
    roundhouse-kicks the first person, watches them all fall over in a
    domino, and yells "NORRIS IS OVER!"
  • Chuck Norris’ tears cure
    cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  • Chuck Norris does not sleep.
    He waits.
  • Chuck Norris does not hunt
    because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris
    goes killing.
  • Chuck Norris counted to
    infinity – twice.
  • Chuck Norris has already been
    to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
  • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
  • Chuck Norris has two speeds:
    walk and kill.
  • If you can see Chuck Norris,
    he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away
    from death.
  • Chuck Norris has a word for a
    person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".
  • The chief export of Chuck
    Norris is pain.
  • Achilles was supposedly the
    greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the
    Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.
  • When Chuck Norris sends in
    his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself,
    crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
  • Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day
    for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from
    his body by flexing for 30 minutes. 
  • Chuck Norris ordered a Big
    Mac at Burger King, and got one.
  • Chuck Norris won 3 Grammy
    Awards for the sound of his foot making contact with someone’s face.
  • Chuck Norris can touch MC
    Hammer.
  • Chuck Norris sleeps with a
    night light – not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark
    is afraid of Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris once ate three
    72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with
    his waitress.
  • As a teen Chuck Norris
    impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine
    months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only
    undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
  • Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
  • They once made a Chuck Norris
    toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
  • A Handicap parking sign does
    not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in
    fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be
    handicapped if you park there.
  • Chuck Norris frequently
    donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
  • Oxygen requires Chuck Norris
    to live.
  • Macgyver can build an
    airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and
    take it.
  • Chuck Norris won ‘Jumanji’
    without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of
    everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
  • Crop circles are Chuck
    Norris’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the
    fuck down.
  • When Chuck Norris goes to
    donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and
    a bucket.
  • In an average living room
    there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the
    room itself.
  • Chuck Norris is the only man
    to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
  • Chuck Norris can set ants on
    fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
  • Chuck Norris can divide by
    zero.
  • When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from
    cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
    requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat
    on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
  • When Chuck Norris does a
    pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
  • Chuck Norris can believe it’s
    not butter.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t
    understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for
    more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days
  • If Chuck Norris is late, time
    better slow the fuck down.
  • In fine print on the last
    page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records
    are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the
    closest anyone has ever gotten.
  • Superman owns a pair of Chuck
    Norris pajamas
  • It used to be called the Tower of Pisa…until Chuck Norris decided to
    roundhouse kick the shit out of it
  • Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.
  • Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
  • There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
  • The Great Wall of China was originally built to keep Chuck Norris out, but failed miserably.
  • While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
  • Chuck Norris is the only person to win an Olympic Gold Medal in swimming without ever getting wet.
  • Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
  • There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
  • Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
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