farts. i fart, you fart, everyone farts. I’m known somewhat well through the blogging crowd and even through my closer circle of friends as someone who can really let ’em rip, and also as someone who can lay it on pretty thick with the humor surrounding gas. different people have different takes, but for the most part, I think people find farts
funny. whether it’s the funny sound or awful smell, there’s something to this natural body function you really can’t help but grin at. but what is a fart?(definition by answers.com)
fart (färt) pronunciation Vulgar Slang.
intr.v., fart·ed, fart·ing, farts.

  1. To expel intestinal gas through the anus; break wind.
    n.
  2. An often audible discharge of intestinal gas.

even by it’s definition, it’s FUNNY. “To expel intestinal gas through the anus”. Very correct, but still very funny.

who do I fart around? generally around close friends who do enjoy the humor and can escape to a fumigated area. who do I avoid farting around? my parents, co-workers, people I don’t know, and so far, jellybean. (editor update: I now thoroughly and completely fart around my now fiancee)

embarASSing times I’ve farted? well, twice in the gym doing particular intense exercises I’ve let rippers go, both times my training partner at the time was present. it kind of blows your concentration when your training partner is gagging and not wanting to spot you.

another embarassing time was during the only fistfight I had in highschool. A serious question was being posed to me: “Do you wanna go!!?!?!?“.

I farted. I’m not sure if that was the answer he was looking for. I’m not sure if a fart  even ever passes as an answer to any question. but at the time, he laughed, and so did I.

why do we restrain ourselves though? is it simply because of the smell? I wonder to myself, “If the explosions of  intestinal gas through our anusses (ani?) smelled like bakery fresh cinnamon rolls, would we all be letting them go constantly?”. i really do wonder.

other interesting things about farts:

  • molran’s father insists farts are a collection of really tiny “shit particles”
  • the sexiest thing ladies can do for their man is learn to love his gas
  • you can create your own fart online at http://www.createfarts.com/
  • pulling anyone’s finger on request DOES NOT make them fart. the person is simply holding their fart in and letting it go when you pull their finger. I hope you haven’t been fooled by this scam often. On another note, it’s generally not a good idea to go around pulling people’s fingers even if you’re not asked.
  • gas is 90% air that you’ve breathed in your mouth and nose, the other 10% is usually comprised of gasses created as a byproduct of processing foods high in complex carbs (such as beans)
  • beans are not really a musical fruit. I have yet to find strings to strum on them, nor do they have a opening through which to blow air through.
  • cumin is known for it’s ability to alleviate frequent tooters from farting as often (not well known)
  • fart jokes are the lowest form of comedy according to Scott
  • the monkey claw is a fart of such intensity it feels like your colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys

So, on your way home from work today, let it all out in the car and enjoy it. (My favorite car farts are those ones so intense and warm that they would rumble and melt your seat if you didn’t lift the right cheek in advance. My passengers probably don’t find the same joy in these farts for some reason.)

I hope you enjoyed this entry, I laughed most of the time writing it.

Advertisements