i thought I would use this entry to focus on who I was and who I became in the last year.

September 2004 – thoughtful…

On the 17th I’ll be leaving for England to be re-joined with Meredith.
(Also known as Snuffleupagus – a name I’ve given her because even
saying her real name intimidates me and causes me pause)
.

I haven’t seen Snuffleupagus since she left in July..phone conversations have ranged from fearful and tearful “Please come here now.. I miss you so much. I need you to be here with me” to.. “Look and listen to all the amazing places I’ve travelled and all the great stories I have to share with you”. The last week as I’ve packed and got ready to go, it’s changed. She
can’t seem to be bothered to talk much on the phone, and I feel a little bit of ice poking through the corners of her emails, chilling my hands as I type my replies. I hope it’s just an off week for her. It’s probably just strange having started work and a new life so far away from the people, family, and friends she knows.

I’m excited. This is going to be a chance to start again and experience something new. Maybe all those times when it seemed like she was needlessly bitching at me because she wasn’t happy – she was right. Maybe I need to do something this extreme and different to broaden my perspectives. Maybe we both need this.

October 2004 – frightened

I’ve arrived. I’ve been around. There’s so much to take in, and too much time spent hurting over things that I shouldn’t have been. This was supposed to be a new adventure for me; I was promised a new wonderful life. I was expecting a rejuvenation of my relationship. I’ve spent so much time trying to get away and stay away from Wisbech, and so much time hiding from her. No matter how many times she looks in my eyes when we are together and tells me lies in her practiced expert way, I know the truth. The stories she’s put together all have corners unglued, so I can pull at them, and peek at the rotten underlay. The nights we do spend together, I lie wordless in bed with her, and wait until she falls asleep, then get up from bed, head downstairs, and sit at the shared table in the shared kitchen and smoke cheap English cigarettes, listen to music, and cry until the morning comes.

My time in Germany was a welcome distraction, until one night in Mainz, I got drunk and the topic of her came up. Mats decided it was for the best that we leave the college bar we were in as I nearly started a fight with some students. I was unruly. But for being what some would call a pig – Mats sure seems to know how my mind works. He talked me down from my
overdrama that night in his mother’s kitchen as we drank Oktoberfest beer and rehashed the things women have done TO and FOR both of us.

November – giving up

I want really badly to believe her lies sometimes, but I know I can’t anymore. We’ve had so many knockdown dragdown fights and I’ve confronted her on so many things, and she still won’t grace me with a little bit of truth. I think she lies so much she’s started to believe whatever her story of the moment is. After spending a few weeks hearing the worst of her worst and seeing to the places I really wanted to get to, I call my parents in front of her. I arrange my flight home. My dad would later tell me he could tell how much it sounded like I wanted to break down on the phone. I did, but I couldn’t give her that satisfaction.

It hurts that even though I still helped her in and out of the tub and took care of her earlier this month when she was so sick and sore, she still takes pleasure from making me bleed. When I board my flight, we’re still “together”. I don’t know why.

December – Where do I go from here?

I get to recharge being around my friends and family. I’m unemployed,but I have money and time. I get to rehearse with heppcat and kram. I’m doing what makes me happy, and I’ve thinking constructively. Meredith and I exchange calls often. She’s begging forgiveness and wanting us to continue on without admitting fault. Brent tells me he would drop the relationship. Kelly tells me I should do what I feel is right. What feels right?

January – big bang

I feel guilty, but I hadn’t felt comfortable discussing with Marlon what happened with her while I was overseas. After a lackluster toga party on New Year’s Eve, we’re alone, and we get the chance. He tells me the things he’s seen and heard from his wife, things that I didn’t know, that were of the “what happens in vegas” nature…. I’m drunk, but that’s is the last straw. I know that bitch is going to be awake given the time difference. I am going home to finish this. Marlon comes along for moral support.

I call her, trying to be as diplomatic as I can be. She wants reasons,she wants to talk. It gets aggressive. I hang up on her. She calls back instantly – and I tell her to never fucking call back, fuck off, I don’t want to ever fucking talk to you again. My parents come home, and I have to explain. We end up talking until 5am about how things have got to where they are. Dad tells me things always have a way of working out for the best in the long run. He’s always been right when he says this to me. This is why I can and do tell anyone this advice with conviction when I get the chance. It’s true.

February – April – useless member of society

She tried twice to contact me since our breakup New Year’s Day, both times bribing me with all sorts of lies and telling me how she realized we could be truly happy and that we shared a lot of great memories. Too little, and much too late. I spend all my time either escaping with booze or alternates, working for my dad, or working on the band. The new band. Kram and I finally decided with heppcat we weren’t making the music we wanted, and started a new metal band of our own. Auditioning was funny and sometimes downright sad, but eventually we found a kindred soul, in nekrekker. When I’m caught in thought, I’m silently blaming and cursing her. She did this to me, she put me here, she spent my money and time. Damn her
to all hell for making ME unhappy.

May – August – getting back in line

Maybe I was partly to blame. Maybe I did have faults. Just maybe. She was close enough and with me enough to call me on a lot of bad behavior. I need to buck up and work at becoming a better person if I’m going to be happy. I got a job. I got a new place. I dumped my fairweather friends. I put more work into myself that I ever have. I started to smile and laugh again. I reconnected with people I haven’t seen in a long time. I vaguely remember who Peter was before he was in a relationship. He WAS fun, he had a valid sense of humor, he was talented, he was worth spending time with. I believed in myself again. People noticed me.

September and onward – time to start all over..

the band is working together, i’m growing and experiencing, and I can’t be brought down. Like Stacey says a lot – I love my life. There’s always things that can be improved, but this time I won’t sit idly by and blame or get angry and not do anything about them.. I’m excited. This is going to be a chance to start again and experience something new.

Advertisements