so, i had a little time to re-digest what I puked up last week.
here’s a recap, prattle, and some action items and timelines for them.

Entry 1 – An adventure with socially inept man

This entry talked about my ‘social phobia’. Wherever it stems from,
I am definately not good in crowds, especially with people I
don’t know. Part of that is certainly approaching and/or
conversing with women, but it stretches much deeper than that. Keith commented
something to the effect I was being a bit of a drama king about
the whole deal, and that’s probably true. It’s certainly a fear rooted
in worrying about acceptance or the outcomes of what a person
I meet might think about me, or something else I can’t put a finger
on. Fear is almost certainly a magnification of the issue..making
things bigger than they really are.

But thinking about things doesn’t solve them. With that in mind, I have
a couple things I have been doing and have planned that will help.
I have, since the entry was written, been talking to random people,
even people I know, and trying to hold the conversations past the
usual point of comfort, concentrating on listening to the person, and not
what my damned brain is saying. I also made a pact this weekend to speak
to at least one girl wearing purple at the wedding I don’t know. (Thanks for that tip, Robyn)
And if there aren’t any purples, I am to find a green. Molran’s wife agreed
graciously to help me out and support me on this mission.

Entry 2 – The devil I know

This entry talked about my negativity in general and the worst
lengths it’s gone to. I believe this is probably my sorest spot,
and affects and magnifies all the other shitty personality flaws I
have.

I think I don’t live my life to the standard I would like,
and by not doing anything about that, and accepting it, the emotion only
gets more intense..it’s like guilt. I believe working out and blogging
have helped immensely with my focus and ability to express and to have me
be happy with myself, but that’s not enough. I think if I am able
to tackle the other things that bother me and continue to actually
work on the problems as I face them, my quality of life and perception
of my life will improve.

Entry 3 – My god is gone

This entry talked about a feeling of being lost, having been detached
from my spirituality..something I’m sure everyone can identify with, no matter
what your religious beliefs are.

I don’t believe God is someone that mandates we must attend church
to communicate with him, I think we all have to choose our own way
to talk to God. To this end my action items are a daily prayer, said in the morning as
I wake, and as I go to bed. I thank Him for everything I have in
my
life and ask for the conviction, strength, clarity, and wisdom to fix
the things I want to change. I’ve been doing that since I wrote this
entry and will continue to.

Entry 4 – The prodigal one / The slacker

The first half of this entry discussed my difficulty in being closer
with my family. Part of this is due with my inability to accept my parent’s
aging. I am having a difficult time deciding on actions to help me
cope and tackle this. My only action at this time is to make sure I communicate
with my parents at least once a week..no matter what. I also have to
learn to accept that I will live to see my parents pass on, and that is
the way life works.

The second half of this entry discussed my dissatisfaction with the
working world. Again, this stems from making things bigger than they are.
Considering how little stress I have to work under, how great
my coworkers, boss, and pay is..I have little to complain about. My action
item on this end is to do three work related tasks immediately as soon
as
I get to work..(checking email is not one of them). The two days I’ve
done this..it seems to set a momentum, and the day just flies by. As
you can tell, I haven’t become consistent on this yet. I’ll get back on
the horse that I fell off tommorow and try again, though.

Thanks again for listening. You’re swell. Heheh. swell.

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