My God is gone 

At the tanning salon just yesterday, I heard an R&B song with a rapper declaring his love for Jesus and telling the world Jesus was his best friend. My first thought was to laugh. How hollow and silly of a reaction. The truth is, I don’t have a love for anyone like that, and in my insecurity my only reaction was a negative one.I feel like in those dark times I mentioned in the last two entries, that I lost my faith. Well, no, I *did*. I denounced God at one point,as I remember. It seemed all He did was Taketh away, and nothing made sense, or was clear.

There have been times since, when all I had, it seemed, was my faith. At least I had that leg to stand on, and I’m happy I did. I have been given some great talents and abilities and strengths, and I would be a fool not to appreciate and give thanks for those.

I am spiritual. I believe now more than ever that there is a plan; there is a reason for everything that happens. Oh, undeniably, it’s frustrating at times, and I feel like a pawn in a chess game. If I’m part of some destiny’s script, could you at least let me see my parts so I can act along?

I have to let that frustration go, it doesn’t serve me. I need to believe that even if I have nothing else, I have a greater reason for being and doing and surviving. I have to believe when the chips are down there’s always someone backing me up.

I have to find my way back.

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