The devil I know 

I was a happy kid. Adolescence brought changes – changes that we can all understand and have read about in our Health 10 textbooks.Maybe it was the awkwardness of the changes; maybe it was my peers, the pressures of teenage life, or a combination thereof. Maybe it was none of the above. My attitudes changed, too. There were the usual awakenings in a young man’s life – fights, shifting friends, alcohol, girlfriends, and breakups. The miracle of childhood is your imagination; you don’t need anything else to escape the miniscule problems you have in life. In adolescence I had to search for a new way to dull new pains, find me that easy escape route. I didn’t find it at
all.

I can’t tell you where or exactly how it started. Maybe it was to be cool, like that guy on the divine intervention cover. That was cool, right? What better devotion to your music than to physically bleed for the creators, after all? Maybe it was innocent, too, to start. After all, it was just barely enough to break the skin, and barely enough to bring that angry red bubble in from beneath, where it had been waiting.

It changed. I needed It, somehow. Sessions got longer, and the cutting went deeper, until the skin parted ways. Shirts were caked on the inside, and telling brown stains crisscrossed the outside.

My friend, I’m truly sorry that you had to watch what I did to myself.

Oh, and it was worse before it was better. But at one flash of a moment when it could have all been over, I wrote my eulogy, I picked my pallbearers, and saw my parents in the front pew. They were angry, and they were horrified. They wanted their son back, and no one could give them that.

I still bear those scars on my shoulders, almost with a sick, pathetic sense of pride. No matter how deep I went, it didn’t fix a fucking thing. They serve to remind me that I’ve become better than that and that those days are behind me.

I’m now learning to appreciate the message my darkest emotions give me, and not to give into them. Oh yes, I am a negative person, and it’s been that way for a long time, you see. I have no acceptable reasons for it. What I will do is admit it and work and plan at making today better.

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