An adventure with socially inept-man 

Please appreciate that these entries are very hard for me to write.

The subtitle says it well. I’m not gifted in the skills of the social realm. Dealing with people has always been, and I suspect, will always be a sore spot for me. Ever since I can remember, I was the quiet one. I kept to myself. You could call me an introvert, but I wouldn’t say that describes me spot on. Yes, I am on my computer more than many ‘normal humans’. Yes, there might very well be something the fuck wrong with that.

A friend once asked me why I preferred the lonely hours on my computer to spending time with people. My explanation “With computers, there is black and white. You are either right or wrong. Similar to man’s best friend, it doesn’t judge you, and one step better – it doesn’t bring in conditions to your relationship you may never know or understand. With people, there are only gray areas. I don’t know how to navigate or communicate under those conditions.” Pretty smart eh? Fuck that. Fuck.

Where it gets worse and where it gets debilitating, is in the company of many people. It is the bars, it is the family reunions, it is the street dances, it is the weddings, it is big parties, it’s 2 people in my living room I don’t know. It’s a ‘people claustrophobia’ – that’s how I would explain it to someone that can’t ever understand. It starts off with the un-swallow able lump in my throat, the very harsh sourness in the pit of my gut.

I look around slowly. The buzz of people conversing is loud, yet makes no discernable noise. I get the feeling I should be doing ‘something’. My gray matter connections are mixed up and I can’t understand what that something is. Maybe mingling, meeting new people, talking, making a fire engine noise, I’m not sure. Nothing like that is going to happen. Clam up; sweat…this is like a dentist’s chair and I just got administered nitrous oxide..Nervous laughter. People are looking now.

Can’t get … limbs to accept the commands to move. The brain can’t comprehend anything going on or process anything. I’m getting so frustrated. Teeth clench, fists tighten. Why the fuck can’t this be a normal night?

Bring on the climax of the anxiety attack. I can feel my eyes widen and my limbs shake. I’m scared…I have to leave, LET ME OUT. I get home, depressed, utterly drained.