huh. i guess all the moving and activity and busy-ness is getting to be over with. this is kinda wierd. and to be honest, i’m feeling a little, well, maybe a large slice of loneliness. is that ok? is it allowed to show those feelings on msn spaces? *sarcasm* saturday night in my unemployed days would usually have been a drinking night or something, and usually I had someone to do it with.

I think this afternoon when I got back from cudworth I felt it coming on so I did all my unpacking and went looking at furniture prices with kram, then the gym, then groceries, then the last bit of unpacking and things I had to do in the apartment. but, like all negative feelings, the more you try to ignore and deny it or suffer through it, lonely comes back to your door and knocks harder and louder until you acknowledge it.

really, i could’ve just stayed in cudworth tonight and had a status quo weekend, but for some reason, I think I wanted to test myself and come back and face up to starting over again, and really think about where I’ve come from and where I want to go.

i think one thing I need to do is make peace by writing some things I couldn’t until now..

i forgive you, meredith. we were never really compatible and I don’t think we were meant to last. i had to learn a hell of a lot of hard lessons, and some good lessons too from you. I thank you for those, I’m going to be a better peter than I was 5 years ago because of that. but understand I still hate you for not telling the truth and making me find out all the lies on my own. i don’t hold you up on a pedestal, nor will I ever again. I hate you for making me relive all the worst feelings of our relationship and pushing me away at a time when we were supposed to be enjoying this fucking traveling that you pushed so hard to sell me on. I loved Europe, but my memories of every fucking place will always be tainted because I spent my time hiding being alone wondering how the hell we wound up the way we did. I know I have to give up my hate and my anger sooner or later. I want to so bad. but I don’t know how to do it. I can’t do it!

*sigh* this too shall pass.