ah..there’s the thoughts I lost yesterday..

yeah. as I said, I’ve been through a rough patch lately. i had been dating a girl, we would’ve been together for 4 and 1/2 years by now. i followed her to europe near the end of our relationship, hoping things could be fresh and exciting. they weren’t. she always had a problem with remaining faithful, and I knew it. YOU SHALLOW INSECURE IGNORANT BITCH, I WISH YOUR PARENTS HAD RAISED YOU TO VALUE SELF RESPECT, HONESTY, AND INTEGRITY. oops..that slipped out, sorry.

anyways, the relationship came to an end, in a not nice way, on new year’s eve. I finally had enough and called her on everything I knew happened and told her flat out to fuck off. Instantly I’m single again, and it’s a wierd place to be in. Being in my late twenties, the landscape has changed. All my friends are married and have kid(s), and the social network I had through my friends to meet new people of substance is just…gone. People have new priorities (arguably better) in their children and spouses. Women at 25+ are different than the 20+’s I remembered, they may have children (which I never experienced in a relationship and really don’t have a high comfort level about, yet) and I’m not completely sure what I need to be marketable nowadays.

Heck, I’m not sure if I really honestly want to be back in another relationship right away. Drea was talking about how shitty it made her feel when she saw a couple making out at a park..and I empathize. I really miss the physical and cerebral intimacy of a relationship, and that sharing and magnification of all your life experiences together. Having said that though, there’s some things I experienced last time that I don’t ever want to experience again for shits and giggles.

I guess I got into this mess because I settled when I got tired of being lonely. I want to chew out my ex, I want to yell at her, I try to blame her for everything that isn’t great in my life. Truth is, this is one place in my life where I had some control, and I have only myself to blame. I had so many warning signals, so many indications of the poor character my ex had. There were so many times and so many places I could’ve & should’ve just walked away. (God, I tried to break up with her 4 times before finally gathering the strength to make it final). What I do now is to remind myself of the meaning and the good side to the things that happened. Sometimes it’s really fucking hard.

What I want now is a girl that loves and respects herself, values honesty, and makes an effort to improve her mind and body consistently. That’s the kind of person *I* am, and I’m not going to settle for less this time..I knew that when I broke off my last relationship, it was going to be difficult to get back into another one. I’ll keep trying..because I really do believe it’s worth it. And I’m not going to be half assed at it, either..you better believe my whole ass is in it.

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